Lauryl Sulfate on proselytization

Lauryl Sulfate is an always entertaining and insightful writer. She blogs today about proselytization and her uncle's death from cancer. It's really wonderful. Here's an excerpt:

Anyway, I was trying to eulogize my uncle, and failing hopelessly, feeling inadequate to the task and furthermore feeling somewhat unworthy. (After all, who was I to him, really? Like I said, we weren't homies or anything.) And then, oh and fucking then, I got this bulletin in my box:

"----------------- Bulletin Message -----------------
From: XXXXXXX
Date: Mar 31, 2006 8:07 PM

top 5 guys/girls i would kiss

Body: Would you have opened this if it said "GOD" in it?

Respost this in 5 minutes if you TRULY LOVE GOD and a miracle will happen tonight at 12.

P. S. Don't ignore.

You never know when God is testing YOU

Repost with subject: "Top 5 Guys/Girls I Would Kiss"

...and suddenly, I was filled with white-hot rage at the stupid fucking bible-thumping hypocrite that would dare post that shit in my box. I mean it, I was livid. All I could think of was my crazy curmudgeon uncle who everybody loved, and how much pain and suffering he and my aunt must have borne, and ultimately, how short his life was and how it just wasn't fair. It wasn't fair that he suffered and died and it isn't fair that we all suffer and die. "Oh, is God testing me now, is that it?", I wondered. "Was God testing my uncle? How about his kids? Oh, yeah, now it's fine. Thanks. I feel so much fucking better.

I don't know if I believe in a god or an afterlife. Sometimes I do, and sometimes I don't. I hope that these things exist, because I have a chronic, all-consuming fear of death. That's why I'm a hypochondriac, and for all I know, it's also why I am a driven creative person. (Irony! See Joseph Heller for more details.)

(an aside) Before I get into the meat of this, I want to say that I love and appreciate you explorers (like my friend Lisa, who will no doubt be reading this), who don't know the answers either, but are constantly searching, and sharing their search. This rant is not directed towards those of you who talk in your blogs about god in the abstract, the mystery of the universe, etc. You are beautiful. Keep digging, you crazy archaeologists. (end aside)

What I DO know is that I am sick and tired of overzealous Christians shoving their dogmatic dreck down my throat. And I get the feeling that I am not the only person that feels that way. If I were in charge of spin for the Democratic party, I would create a new campaign slogan, and it would be so successful that liberal America would finally get its shit together and kick that zealot Christian neo-con and all of his ilk out of our White House for good. This is my slogan. Well, it's more of a letter, really. Here's how it goes (Imagine it on a tee-shirt, if you will):

DEAR CHRISTIANS,

LEAVE US THE FUCK ALONE!

LOVE,
THE REST OF THE FUCKING WORLD

Maybe you think this is being mean. Maybe you think that I am being judgemental. Maybe you're like, "hey, not all Christians are like that. Why you gotta stereotype?" But hey, I'm just giving as good as I get. It's about time.

From now on, Christians, the gloves are off. I will fill your inbox with annoying self-righteous bulletins designed to make you feel bad for your heathen hetero lifestyle. For example:

BOYS!:
Repost this in the next 15 minutes if you TRULY LOVE COCK!"

IF YOU DON'T REPOST IN 24 HOURS, your dick will fall off and when you die you'll go to a land where the ONLY BAND IS HOOTIE & THE BLOWFISH and everybody is FORCED TO WEAR BUTTERFLY PLEATED DOCKERS!!!!!
Demons will wedge POPCORN KERNELS UNDER YOUR GUMS while you eternally LICK THE VULVA of "Dorothy" from Golden Girls!!!!

I will hand out leaflets with shitty insulting charicatures of your people. I will stand outside of Christian schools in protest, "Child Abuse! Child Abuse! Quit teaching Our Children LIES! Adam and Steve, not Adam and Eve! Or Eve and whoever she wants to fuck! And vice-versa!" I will yell. Whenever a Christian woman gets discriminated against for her cultural beliefs, I will say that it is her fault because of the dorky way that she's dressed. I'll say that she was asking for it. I will force public schools across the nation to teach MY way! Robert Mapplethorpe in every art class! Samuel Beckett on every stage! Howard Zinn in every history lecture! And if anyone points out that this is not giving kids all the information they need, I'll call it "religious discrimination".

Read more at Lauryl Sulfate's blog